I like to be on time. Early even. I never hit the snooze alarm. I rarely engage in activities outside the “Getting Ready to Go” framework. I have Time Allotment down to a science. I pride myself on being punctual.
I’d love to pride myself on being a size 8, but punctuality is what I’ve got.
Most of the time.
Occasionally though, Murphy’s Law comes into play. Two weeks ago was one such morning:
7:15 – Pick up buzzing phone. Turn off alarm. Lament the decision to play Jelly Splash last night until 2 a.m. Check weather app. Blink slowly while checking the temperature and doze back off.
7:16 – Awake seconds later to phone colliding with bridge of nose.
7:17 – Stumble to bathroom. Start water in tub. Make good use of wait time by brushing teeth. Can’t find toothbrush even though it was here last night.
7:20 – Three-minute search reveals toothbrush just below Middle C. Apparently the toddler used it to clean piano keys last night.
7:21 – Degermify toothbrush in kitchen sink in case she scrubbed more than ivory.
7:22 – Panic and run to turn off bath water just before surface tension hits critical mass and overflows.
7:23 – Drain 4 inches of water. Get into tub.
7:23:15 – Get out of tub, drip water across floor, get washcloth.
7:30 – Wash hair. Lather, rinse, repeat. Reach for conditioner. Also missing. Ugh. Mentally accuse toddler only to discover later the cowboy took my coconut conditioner out to the barn to make the mustang’s manes shiny.
7:35 – Dry off and apply homemade essential oil deodorant. Feel proud I made an aluminum-free deodorant that actually de-odors. Feel stupid I forgot to shave my under pits. (Note to self: No demonstrative praying or cab hailing today.)
7:37 – Pick out clothes. Black pants, aqua top. Attempt to zip pants. Can’t. Lie down on bed, suck in, try zipping again, albeit unsuccessfully.
7:42 – Have a good “I hate my body” cry. While eating a doughnut.
7:45 – Look for abstract maxi skirt to go with aqua top. Instead, find a second pair of black pants and rejoice that the pants I just failed to zip are ones I bought for when I eventually lose the 15 pounds I just gained for the umpteenth time.
7:48 – Apply make-up. Moisturizer. Foundation. Mascara.
7:53 – Sneeze and get mascara schmutz on aqua top.
7:57 – Finish make-up. Change dirty top to coral one. Throw aqua one on floor. Think coral is too orangey and looks too Halloweenie with black pants. Change to aqua striped top. Throw coral one on the floor. Stripes make me feel fat today. Who am I kidding? Stripes make me feel fatt-er today. Change to gray top. Throw stripey one on floor. Gray top requires a bra change. Throw first bra on floor. Top off with silver earrings and necklace.
8:06 – Go downstairs and turn on Keurig. Hear rodent. See rodent. Shudder.
8:08 – Bait and set mouse trap.
8:11 – Realize the need to leave in three minutes to make it on time. Detangle unconditioned hair and blow dry.
8:15 – Curse humidity, blow dry some more, contemplate chopping hair off.
8:18 – Blow-dried hair looks like an angry llama today. Tame the brunette beast with a straightener and spray. Heavily.
8:23 – Rush around collecting shoes, purse, glasses, car keys…that are still in the pocket of jeans I wore yesterday under the pile of today’s runway wardrobe malfunctions. Forego coffee as there is no time now.
8:26 – Rethink jewelry. Can hear Daughter-Face saying, “Matchy-matchy makes you look old, Mom.” Throw silver jewelry on floor and replace with turquoise beads.
8:28 – Start van and squeeze garage door opener. Remote battery dead. Seriously. Sigh in frustration. Jump out and punch opener on the wall before carbon monoxide levels become toxic, back van out of garage, go back and punch button to close door, play Chinese Jump Rope with the invisible motion sensor. Drive.
8:29 – Set cruise at 7 miles over speed limit. Dig through purse for lipstick.
8:30 – Voice text a reminder to self: Pick up another Bare Minerals Berry Remix Lip Gloss ASAP. First lipstick I’ve liked in years, so it’s a given they will discontinue it.
8:36 – Calculate lateness. While doing mental math, space out and miss parkway entrance. Forced now to take longer route through town.
8:38 – Check face in rear-view mirror. Must be a full moon as the lone chin hair has grown in. Dig through purse for tweezers.
8:40 – Attempt to pluck chin hair without looking. Really wish two guys in car next to me had also not been looking.
8:45 – Feeling anxious. Hate being late so so much. 15 minutes over already. Stop at stop sign. Almost there.
8:46 – Wait for stop sign to turn green.
8:47 – Oh. My. Word. Stop SIGNS don’t change color, idiot. Proceed through intersection.
8:49 – Pull into parking lot. Ridiculously late. I blame the toddler. And the cowboy. And the mouse. And the humidity. And the sneeze. And the full moon.
And possibly Obama.
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