October 2015 – she said

Dissecting Frogs in the Car

Posted on October 30, 2015October 19, 2015 by stephanie2morrow

Did you know the word “gullible” is not in the dictionary?

1526092_766739986239_1681683817_n My kids love to pick on each other. I mean, they SAY they love each other, but they agitate until they are exasperated.

Once, not so awfully long ago, Kevin convinced Kacey he was left-handed. (Kacey was 23, Kevin, 16) She was so befuddled by his insistence, she marched into the den with her hands on her hips and proclaimed, “He is NOT left-handed………… IS HE?????” Of course, he is not, and she KNEW that, he is just such a stinking convincing liar that she began to doubt herself.

A few nights later, before Kevin and I took a road trip to Texas, he and Kacey were talking on the phone. He was moaning about all the school work he was going to have to do on our car trip. 1917367_198145571800_4446435_n (2) She told him to “suck it up” and “do the work like a man” when he said something like, “Well that’s easy for you to say…you don’t have to dissect a frog in the car!”

“Neither do you, goofball.”

“YES I DO!”

“Kevin, you cannot possibly dissect a frog in the car. Why don’t you just do it when you come back on Monday?”

“Because I have to make a diagram, label all the parts, and have it turned in by Friday night!”

“Kevin, you are such a liar!”

“Kacey, I’m serious. I’ve got to dissect this stupid frog in the car on the way to Texas!”

“Seriously???”

1917367_207857431800_3306124_n “Um, yeah. And by the way, I’m left-handed.”

Kacey gave him a verbal long-distance lashing for making her feel gullible yet again, while he and I fought back tears of laughter.

Is it okay that I’m strangely proud of my kid for being a great ~~actor~~ liar?

Grammar Nazi, Parenting

Discourse with Daughter-Face

Posted on October 25, 2015October 19, 2015 by stephanie2morrow

Kacey texted: “What is the word for when you attribute human characteristics to something that isn’t human, or possibly even inanimate? I tried to think of it for an hour last night and couldn’t come up with anything.”

And because I’m a good mommy, which you know by now, because I tell you all the time, I answered: “Personification”

She replied: “Are you sure?” (Am I sure? Does she KNOW to whom she is speaking? Of course I’m sure! Even when I’m wrong, I’m sure!)

“Yes,” I stated, “Personification is a figure of speech in which inanimate objects or abstractions are endowed with human qualities or are represented as possessing human form, as in ‘Hunger sat shivering on the road.’ “

She retorted, “No, I just googled it, and I found ANTHROPOMORPHISM: The attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena…BooYah!”

“NOT the same thing,” I argued, “as anthropomorphism is a basic cognitive process in which some entity comes to stand for or represent something else. It is more sociological in nature, whereas personification is more literary.”

Her reply: “Is TOO the same thing. But in the spirit of full disclosure, I was thinking of your word anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”

Then we discussed her brother dressing up like a log.

Parenting, Quirks and Other Weirdness

diaLOG with my son

Posted on October 19, 2015October 19, 2015 by stephanie2morrow

Kevin’s upcoming Halloween party required a costume.

It needed to be Clever. Creative. Comical. Quirky. Cheap. Mostly, it needed to rival our reputation for being different.

One year I wore a column around my neck, with two deer emerging from my cleavage, a red ribbon on my lips, and purple hair as I represented the LITERAL description of “The Ideal Woman” from the Song of Solomon.

For her middle school party, Kacey disguised herself as a sofa table, complete with a lampshade on her head. Party-goers bumped into her, thinking she was actual furniture.

ME: “So, Kev, what’s your costume gonna be for this shindig?”

KEV: “I dunno. Maybe I’ll go as a telephone pole.”

ME: “You COULD go as a tree.”

KEV: “A tree? That’s so boring, mom…(long pause)…I think I’ll go as a log.”

Because that’s SO much more interesting than a tree.

Six pieces of poster board, a roll of woodgrain contact paper, and some black mesh garnered him a prize for “scariest costume”… not because the costume itself was creepy, but because the brain that produced the idea to dress up as a LOG is, apparently, pretty darn frightening.

lincoln log I told him he should put a nametag on his log costume that read, “Hello, my name is Lincoln.” Then I laughed my silly head off.

Kevin, however, doesn’t appreciate my humor.

Just Funny, Quirks and Other Weirdness

When Harry Met Sushi

Posted on October 15, 2015October 12, 2015 by stephanie2morrow

Harry: There are two kinds of people: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You’re the worst kind; you’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.
S ally: I don’t see that.
Harry: You don’t see that? “Waiter, I’ll begin with a house salad, but I don’t want the regular dressing. I’ll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side.”
“On the side” is a very big thing for you.
Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry: I know; high maintenance.
~ from “When Harry Met Sally”

sushi When the kids and I go for sushi, we order several of our favorite rolls loaded with things like raw tuna, eel, tobiko, masago, wasabi, and the likes. Besides Kevin’s aversion to all things avocado, we love every oversized bite, and are happy to eat it exactly as the chef creates it. Low maintenance, right?

Not exactly.

Server: “What can I get you to drink?”
Kevin: “Ice water please.”
Server: “Lemon?”
Kevin: “No thanks, but I would like two straws.”
Kacey: “I’ll have a water too.”
Server: “Double straws for you too?”
Kacey: “No, but I do want lemon. And I’d also like the lemon my brother didn’t want.”
Me: “I’d like a water too, but may I have it without ice, please?”
lemon water Server: “You don’t want ice in your ice water?”
Me: “Right. I don’t want ice water, I just want water.”
Server: “Lemon?”
Me: “Yes, but on the side.”
Server: “So… three waters. One with no lemon and two straws. One with lemon and an extra lemon. And one ice water with no ice and a lemon on the side.”

“Exactly. And can we have forks as well as chopsticks, three additional small plates, and instead of the regular soy sauce, will you bring us the low-sodium soy sauce? Oh, yeah, and a little spicy mango sauce…on the side?”

High maintenance? Nah. I just want it the way I want it.

I leave a great tip. I promise.

Just Funny, Parenting

Pooh Poo

Posted on October 12, 2015October 12, 2015 by stephanie2morrow

My daughter was less than a month old when a new friend – well, she had the potential to become a friend but really we’d only jointly been at a few events and had managed to learn each other’s names and handbags. Anyway, she called to ask if I could watch her children for the day.

Now I’m as accommodating as they come, but I hardly knew this woman, I had no relationship with her little ones, and mostly, I just wasn’t up to it. I was recovering from 9 months of pregnancy, 32 hours of labor, and 19 days of no sleep. Plus, I had my hands full (literally) trying to breastfeed. To expect me to shower, dress AND babysit a couple of toddlers was pushing me WAY out of my energy zone.

I politely told her I wasn’t up to it, maybe another time.

Half an hour later she called back, begging. A good friend was in town just for the day and they needed a little “girl time” for lunch and a chat. She had apparently called every one she’d known since middle school and absolutely no one else could help her out (Can you say “GIANT RED FLAG”?). She assured me it would be quick and easy. She would feed them lunch before she brought them and would only be gone an hour – hour-and-a-half – tops.

My head was trying to formulate the words to politely decline when I heard, “Well…I guess so,” exit my lips.

Darn my people pleasing.

Twenty minutes later she showed up at the door, informed me she hadn’t had time to feed them or even pack lunch, but they would eat just about anything I would fix. Yeah? Lucky me! Ugh.

So I wrangled, fed, and cleaned up after two toddlers, while nursing one-handed (which may work for B-cup gals, but we DDs require two hands to accomplish this task without smothering our children.)

Once the lunch rush was behind us, my baby was asleep. I took her upstairs to put her on the bed. As I was descending the stairs a very few minutes later, I caught a glimpse of the 2-year-old turning a corner dressed like Winnie-the-Pooh. (Read: shirt, no pants.) Oh, bother. Seems he had dropped his diaper…somewhere.

I quickened my barefoot pace to catch up to him, when…

I STEPPED IN IT.

AND THEN I SAID IT.

Not only was he dressed like Pooh, he was dressed IN poo. Up his back, down his thighs, and now which, thanks to the ripaway diaper, decorated my floors as well.

Two diaper changes, three long hours, four attempts at carpet cleaning, and one temper tantrum later (mine), this woman, who before noon had the potential to be my friend, returned to collect her little angels without so much as an apology for being late, an offer to have my carpet cleaned, or even a “thank you” for my time.

I’d say I learned a valuable lesson from this experience, but since it has been YEARS and I am still whining about it, probably not.